Fam. Squad. HEY YOU GUUUYS! ( off to a topical start)
It’s BACHELOR season!
I realize I’m a week late, but we have a whole new cast of eligible and (generally) attractive “24 year-olds”* whose two biggest fears in life are dying-alone and not getting enough nationally-televised attention, and we need to discuss. You and Me.
Let’s get right to the Bios! **
*Bachelor years are definitely longer, because no one even sniffs the big 30.
**For those of you thinking I stole this article idea from David Jacoby at Grantland, well, you’re entirely correct. But it’s too good to die with the rest of the site, so we’ll be keeping it going. If you want more, check the Grantland Archives. On with the show…
He kind of looks like he: hasn’t updated his bio photo since 2001.
Best Bio bit: So much to choose from – “Harrison is turning to the written page, as he pens his first book — an emotional, passionate and suspenseful novel entitled The Perfect Letter” says Chris Harrison (a credible source on his own book, I guess.) Believe it or not, it’s a romance novel! It’s almost like he’s selling directly to the audience of the show – weird coincidence.
On the show, he’s going to be the one who…: Helps the audience keep track of final roses (spoiler alert – when there’s one left, it’s the final rose.) Also the date planner ,the glorified pimp, and the person most likely to say ‘suck it, Andy Cohen!’ under his breath during the reunion show.
Occupation: Professional… Bachelor?
He kind of looks like: he forgot to wear a shirt to the photo shoot so he borrowed Chris Harrison’s sweater.
Best Bio bit: Dude is 26. A little old for me but I get it. At least he probably has his life all figured out except this one missing piece. When I was 26 I was definitely NOT falling asleep in my local White Castle with a suitcase of cheeseburgers on my lap. He’s probably not doing that either, ladies.
Oh he’s 6’4″? Nice. I would have said 5’9″.
On the show, he’s going to be the one who…: is most likely to be called ‘handsome’ by your mom, then forgotten about, then called ‘handsome’ again when he comes back on screen.
She kind of looks like: she thinks weird eyebrows are the key to a man’s heart.
Best Bio bit: Her guiltiest pleasure of any kind is ‘Peanut Butter & Nutella’ which is basically what most people eat for dessert when they are on a diet. And the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is ‘hike 12 miles in a thunderstorm.’ Whoa now! Wholesome exercise during inclement weather? I hope there weren’t any protein-rich snacks waiting for you at the end of that trail, you crazy son of a bitch!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: strategically brings up her daughters(s!) before she is voted off and lasts an extra few weeks. Not judging though, that’s basically what kids are for (I think).
She kind of looks like: She has Chris Harrison’s direct number. We’ve seen her on last season’s Bachelor AND Bachelor Paradise this summer.
Best Bio bit: “If I never got to see my friends and family, I would be very sad.” MORE HOT TAKES AMBER!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: shows the other contestants where the producers keep the good wine.
Occupation: Chiropractic Assistant
She kind of looks like: she perfected the ‘back-tilt’ just in time for the photos – much less common than angling the chin but just as devastating.
Best Bio bit: Her most embarrassing moment was when she misheard someone say the word ‘gas’ at a gas station. Hmm, was it that? Or was it that time that her virginity became a topic of regular discussion for millions of strangers last season? I guess it’s close – could’ve gone either way.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: Ben loves and everyone else accuses of using her virginity like it’s as powerful and evil as the One Ring.
Occupation: Nutritional Therapist
She kind of looks like: she does one-handed push-ups every morning to intimidate her competitors.
Best Bio bit: If she could be any vegetable, she would be a carrot because ‘they are sweet, sassy and bright’. (Note to self: ask C-Town manager where they stock the sassy carrots.)
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: never ever ever wears sleeves. Uses ‘flex’ emoji constantly.
Occupation: Software Sales Rep (aww, just like Benny boo!… sorry)
She kind of looks like: she didn’t get the ‘flowing wavy hair over-the-shoulder’ memo before her photo. Is she even allowed on the show anymore?
Best Bio bit: “I meet guys in the city… at Starbucks…on airplanes. I’m one of those rare people that believes in fate… and always tries to be present. You never know. :)”
She left out the most classic example of fate, where Chris Harrison parades you out of a limo with with 27 other women to battle royal for the one true Indiana Software salesmen! Although actually, with 1-28 odds it would take some serious fate to get picked. I stand corrected.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: Talks with Ben about what software is selling best in her region. And compares their respective prices for Microsoft Office.
Occupation: Twin (I’m skeptical)
She kind of looks like: someone who thinks ‘twin’ is an occupation
Best Bio bit: If she could be anyone else in the whole world, she would be her twin sister. I assume she thinks they would somehow pay her double for that. I don’t know who ‘they’ is.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: constantly references this Coors Light commercial.
Occupation: (You guessed it) Twin.
She kind of looks like: they told her to turn to her bad side because her sister already took a photo from the other direction.
Best Bio bit: She lives in Las Vegas, she does not drink or party and her biggest guilty pleasure is ‘candy.’
I’m glad she and I aren’t hanging out at casinos. Though maybe she could bring me gummy worms at the blackjack tables, which would be nice.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: gets in a giant fight with her sister about who Ben likes better, ruining their family forever and causing everyone in the country to question EVERYTHING the Bachelor stands for.
Occupation: Graphic Designer
She kind of looks like: farted just before this photo was taken and thinks she got away with it. (Good for you, Izzy – sometimes you just gotta fart, photographers be damned!)
Best Bio bit: “What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.”
Well at least I don’t have to worry about her reading my fart jokes about her.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: is pretty cute and charming and Ben likes her – I bet she goes far.
Occupation: Gerontologist (whaaaat?)
She kind of looks like: has 4x the hair of your average Bachelor contestant, including one of the only reasonable sets of eyebrows in the whole crew.
Props to our resident eyebrow analyst who noted the weird retro-brow situation this season – c’mon ladies! Cara Delevigne is basically the coolest person on earth, no need to go razor thin up there. You’ll end up having to glue them back on like Milhouse’s mom.
Best Bio bit: “What is your biggest regret to date? I never regret anything.” – Ok first of all: Lies.
Second of all: I feel like Chris Harrison read that and decided to see if he could change that answer to “going on the Bachelor”.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: explains to all the other contestants (and America) what gerontology is. Multiple times.
Occupation: Bartender (Looking forward to a Cocktail-type montage between Jami and Amber)
She kind of looks like: she’s vying for the ‘Kailyn Bristowe Memorial (not memorial she’s fine, guys) award for ‘coolest girl in the house’. The shortish hair, the cool job, the being-from-Canada. She’s the full Bristowe!
Best Bio bit: She loves Drake and Lil’ Wayne; she reads books; she watched the movie Step Brothers and loves it; and she name-checks Natasha Romanoff AND Entourage in her bio. Did we just become best friends??!
No. No we didn’t. That’s not how the internet works. But I think I may be in love.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: doesn’t go nearly as far as she deserves, but hopefully she’s an avid reader of Syvology and wants to hang out.
Get at me, Jami, I don’t even mid the weird spelling of your name.
It’s probably the Canadian spelling.
Occupation: Small Business Owner (that clears things up)
She kind of looks like: someone told her to square her shoulders right before this picture. Talk to Becca, Jennifer. She leans back like Fat Joe.
Best Bio bit: “If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law and why? Tan nude at the beach!”
HIRE THIS WOMAN!
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: Is not nearly as much fun as her ‘Best Bio Bit’ would suggest. She’s going out early.
She kind of looks like: she might actually be 23, the age she lists in her bio. Usually the over-under on ‘years older’ is at least five.
Best Bio bit: Um, none really. Jessica, you seem like a good-looking 23 year old accountant who is not that interesting. Reality TV may not be the place for you.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: Probably marries Ben. He seems kind of boring too.
Occupation: Real Estate Developer (just like Trump! Nice.)
She kind of looks like: she wins the ‘most necklaces in her photo’ contest with 1 million.
Best Bio bit: “How good of a cook are you? Average – I can kill a quesadilla though.”
Well, a quesadilla is literally just cheese melted on a tortilla. You can make them in a microwave. I made them as an elementary school student before I was old enough to make boxes of mac and cheese on the stove top.
I think JoJo either doesn’t know was ‘average’ means, or she chose the worst possible food to explain her cooking ability.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: makes everyone quesadillas and gets really sad when they are not impressed.
Occupation: War Veteran (no snark here – that’s legit)
She kind of looks like: she’s 24, she’s been on active duty in the military and is now on a Reality TV show.
I just learned they sell ice cream sandwiches as my local movie theater, so I guess we all do things.
Best Bio bit: “Will you go on roller coasters or other rides? If Ben kisses me first, I will consider risking my life :)”
Seems like a weird way of avoiding a simple theme park question. My gut says she can handle a roller coaster.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: makes America proud.
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
She kind of looks like: definitely wants to be a model.
Best Bio bit: Her most embarrassing moment is: “I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn’t even talk we were laughing so hard!”
Ok, this is definitely embarrassing. And good for you guys for laughing about it!
But word to the wise – flush your poops. Just, like, every time. You poop, you wipe, and you flush. Even if someone rang the doorbell or something, midway through the deed. If you have time to leave the bathroom, you probably have time to flush. No need to save those for later.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: Goes really far because she seems like a good-looking giant – just like Ben!
Occupation: Account Executive
She kind of looks like: she wanted to do jazz-hands but the photographer wouldn’t let her.
Best Bio bit: She’s allergic to rice, which I have never heard before. And that is by far the most interesting thing that comes out of her bio, so… yeah.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: wears tap shoes around the house.
Occupation: Fashion Buyer
She kind of looks like: if these bachelorettes were going to put on a production of Snow White, LB would definitely be ‘Sleepy’.
Best Bio bit: She hates when her date ‘looks at other people’ which sounds pretty crazy, LB, but I respect the hell out of her honesty.
If she and Ben get together I bet she goes full Mountain from Game of Thrones, just to make sure he never pisses her off.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: makes it to the top 8, has a meltdown out of nowhere and leaves on her own.
Occupation: Flight Attendant
She kind of looks like: a wax figure of the ‘typical’ Bachelor contestant.
Best Bio bit: Lauren B.’s guiltiest pleasure (of ANY kind) is brunch with mimosas. Which means that on a good summer Saturday I may be indulging in the thing she feels guiltiest about 3 times in a single day. One of us needs to rethink their life choices. Lauren B – I hope it’s you.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: never stops looking into the middle distance. And freaks me out.
Occupation: Kindergarten Teacher
She kind of looks like: she’s going to get eaten alive in the Bachelor mansion.
Best Bio bit: Straight from her bio – “The other day my boss” – who I am assuming is the Principal of the school? – “was asking what Pinterest was” -sounds like a great talk – “and I pulled mine up to see what it was like – and there was all of this wedding stuff!! He was like, ‘Um, do you even have a boyfriend?’ ”
So in conclusion, Lauren H. works in a really weird school.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: teaches the twins how to read.
Occupation: Math Teacher
She kind of looks like: she could be on the non-existent spin-off show, Real Housewives of The Bachelor.
Best Bio bit: If she could be anyone else for a day, she would be herself. In the future. Weird choice Lauren H.! I think she studies philosophy under the tutelage of Matthew McConaughey. She hopes her future self has an army of children too, who I assume will be traveling back in time Terminator-style to make sure the future of the other bachelorettes never exists (duh duh duh).
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: teaches the twins how to do math.
Occupation: Event Planner
She kind of looks like: she’ll be sneaky strong; when they do the American Gladiator challenge or some other feat of strength, Leah will be the one concusses the other girls and then giggles a little TOO much.
Best Bio bit: She twerked in her interview for the show. For most contestants I would say the point was to show how wild and sexy they can be, but for Leah I assume she just wanted everyone to know she can do a handstand; all about the core and shoulders for this one.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: beats Ben at arm wrestling and he sends her home as a result.
Occupation: Cowgirl (Ok.)
She kind of looks like: she is sitting on a mini-horse for this photo.
Best Bio bit: She cuts the heads off snakes that wander onto her property. It doesn’t say this in the bio, but I assume she uses a six-shooter and just blasts away from the top of her mini-horse like a bizarro Billy-the-Kid. Or maybe its more of a Whacking Day situation. Either way Maegan is a tough cookie.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: rides off into the sunset on the back of an Eeyore-like steed.
She kind of looks like: tried to fight the photographer immediately after this photo was taken.
Best Bio bit: “If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why? A free-range chicken, because they do whatever they want and lay delicious eggs.”
So in this scenario, she wants to eat her own eggs? Because that is creepy. Also I don’t think that ‘free-range’ means a chicken can just do whatever it wants – it probably has some responsibilities that aren’t outlined in that two-word description. Mandi may be doing her wildlife research from Geico ads.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…:
eats her own babies Makes everyone use fluoride – that’s just common sense guys.
Occupation: News Anchor (classic Veronica Corningstone)
She kind of looks like: she had the left side of her hair photoshopped just a bit too close. And I bet she was LIVID when she found out.
Best Bio bit: Olivia does not get embarrassed and she has no fears. Well, except being alone. Which is perfectly normal for a good-looking 23-year-old news anchor. If it doesn’t work out with Ben she should probably just become a nun.
Also, 23 and you’re the anchor?! I call bullshit. If anything, I bet she’s doing puff-pieces on local Girl Scout troops or an Austin taqueria that makes the world’s hottest nachos. Don’t lie to me, Olivia. It doesn’t suit you.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: she’s good-looking in the same obvious way that Ben is, so I suspect they’ll hit it off.
Obvious good looks? Kinda lame, guys.
Occupation: Unemployed (Finally! the truth. Good for you Rachel)
She kind of looks like: she tried to do the photoshoot naked, but that old prude Chris Harrison wouldn’t let it happen so he lent her his personal neon-pink robe.
Best Bio bit: “If you could be any animal, which one and why? Cookie Monster, because I’m a sucker for good cookies. Does that count? Haha”
hahaha NO RACHEL, COOKIE MONSTER IS NOT A REAL ANIMAL. What the hell is even going on right now? We gotta wrap this up soon.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: smashes baked goods into her face and gets crumbs FIGURATIVELY EVERYWHERE.
She kind of looks like: (Redacted. Don’t sue me please)
Best Bio bit: Samantha is the 3rd person to list Remember the Titans as one of her three favorite movies of all-time. Now, I’m as big a Denzel fan as the next guy, and that movie does have some excellent montages, but we’re talking desert island here! Maybe I missed some of the deeper subtext going on, but unless you love Donald Faison (and even then, kind of a stretch) this seems like a weird choice.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: sues the producers for emotional damages.
She kind of looks like: she’s nothing like her fictional portrayal on Girls.
Best Bio bit: “What do you hope to get out of participating in “The Bachelor”? At some point I stopped believing in love again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so busy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.”
Um, yikes Shush. Getting a little real on us, dontcha think? I feel like she was probably sobbing while she gave this answer, which doesn’t bode well for her long-term reality TV prospects.
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: says ‘I love you’ to Ben on their first date. (He’ll probably love it though.)
Occupation: Chicken Enthusiast (Nope)
She kind of looks like: she’s way more traditionally attractive than the majority of professional chicken enthusiasts I know. Maybe I’m running with the wrong crowd. Of professional chicken enthusiasts.
Best Bio bit: Guess what? She is like, totally obsessed with chickens! ALL HER ANSWERS ARE ABOUT CHICKENS! Man this is never going to get old. Can she even sustain that gimmick for the whole first episode??
On the show, she’s going to be the one who…: gets her head chopped off episode but keeps running around for the whole rest of the season.
Agree? Disagree? Lets talk about it on Twitter.